


Self Declared Foosball Champion of the Greater Midwest

by An_Artificial_Aspidistra



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Community: inceptiversary, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Foosball, If you were a fruit what fruit would you be, M/M, beer me artie, inception 30 day challenge, tiny origami hats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 20:13:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7588435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/An_Artificial_Aspidistra/pseuds/An_Artificial_Aspidistra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Guys! Guys! You know what’s bitter?” Ariadne waves her new beer and sits up in sudden enthusiasm. “Cobb! Cobb’s totally bitter. Like… Like a grapefruit! That’s totally what kind of fruit he’d be. Bitter, no one really likes them even though everyone claims they’re good for you, and they squirt juice in your eye and you totally end up with a squint! Like Cobb!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self Declared Foosball Champion of the Greater Midwest

**Author's Note:**

> So, this started out as my drabble for Week 3 of the July 2016 non-elimination Arthur/Eames Last Drabble Writer Standing. Then there was an Inceptiversary prompt that asked what fruit each character would be, and those two things produced the crack that you see before you.

“Beer me, Artie.”

Arthur fights the depths of the beanbag chair until he can see Ariadne sprawled on the futon across the room.

“ _Beer you_? What, are we frat boys now? Also remember how there were to be dire consequences for calling me Artie?”

“We’re stuck in this charming dormitory until the storm dies down, darling,” comes Eames’s voice from the back side of the beanbag. “I’m sure Ariadne is just looking to add some verisimilitude to our picturesque collegial surroundings.”

“Also I really want another beer, and you can do your worst murder plans if you just get up and bring me one.”

Arthur lobs a bottle across the room. “Too comfortable to get up. Killing you with the power of my mind.”

“Don’t you mean too lazy, darling?”

“Shut up, Mister Eames. It’s your fault that we’re here at all. We could’ve been halfway to Witchita if we hadn’t gotten sidetracked by your little foosball competition. Also, what the heck are you doing back there?” Arthur arches himself almost completely upside down in his attempt to see.

“May I remind you how that very competition led to us currently being so rich in sustenance? Also we would be frozen beside the road halfway to Witchita. Which would be a lovely country song in the right hands.”

Eames pauses to crown Arthur with the world’s tiniest origami beer label hat. “I’ll be glad when you Yanks are done with this IPA craze, though. Too bloody bitter for my taste.”

* * *

 

“Guys! Guys! You know what’s bitter?” Ariadne waves her new beer and sits up in sudden enthusiasm. “Cobb! Cobb’s totally bitter. Like… Like a grapefruit! That’s totally what kind of fruit he’d be. Bitter, no one really likes them even though everyone claims they’re good for you, and they squirt juice in your eye and you totally end up with a squint! Like Cobb!”

“Your drunk logic is absolutely irrefutable, Ariadne,” says Eames. “If we’re assigning fruits I will let you both know right now that I am OBVIOUSLY a passion fruit. Because of my powerfully obvious passion. And by that I mean my penis.” Eames raises his eyebrows suggestively in Arthur’s direction.

“I can hear your suggestive eyebrows from here even if I can’t see them, Eames. You also forgot to mention passion fruit are very seedy. Because of that and that alone I will agree that you are definitely a passion fruit.”

“Oy! Yusuf’s just as seedy as me! I mean, illegal back alley dream den? Completely seedy.”

“Yusuf’s totally a fig,” contributes Ariadne. “Seedy, maybe, but also fine, ripe, luscious… Uh. I’ll be right back guys. I’ve got to go make a phone call.”

“Aw, our little key lime has had a sudden sexual awakening, darling. I call her a key lime, you see, because she is tiny and adorable, but also very tart.” Ariadne flips Eames the double bird as she leaves the room with her cell phone.

“Oh wait! I’ve got one!” says Arthur. “Saito. He’s… like everyone’s kind of scared of being in the same room with him, right? And he’s really powerful. And do you know what Google told me just now was the King of Fruits? Durian. Saito is definitely a durian.”

“Irrefutably, darling. Although he might object to what that implies about his personal hygiene.”

“So then what am I Eames? Some kind of fruit you can’t wait to get away from? Some… annoying kind of annoying fruit?”

“Petal! Is THAT what you think I think of you? No, you are indubitably an apple.” Eames holds his hand up as Arthur frowns and starts to speak. “An apple is a true classic, darling. Beloved by all. Tart and crisp by turns. A delicious center protected by an impeccable outside. Tempting! The very fruit that made Adam fall! Eminently satisfying to bite into!”

Eames finishes his speech and turns to find Arthur staring at him open-mouthed, and suddenly much closer. “Is all that really what you think of me, Eames? I… I…” Arthur’s eyes drop to Eames’s mouth as he moves closer still…

And then jumps back in shock, completely losing his tiny origami hat, as Ariadne bangs open the door, cell phone still in hand. “Guys! Guys! Wait! I just figured it out! Mal is BANANAS.”

THE END

 


End file.
